Belonging

At the bridal shower the other day, one of my sorority sisters asked me how I have been feeling since leaving the sorority. She mentioned that her self esteem has gone down and that she misses the constant validation we gave each other in our sisterhood. I was quick to say the opposite, and that my self esteem has gone up because I am not constantly comparing myself to other people. As I listened to her side of things however, I noticed that I maybe should not have been so quick to say what I did.

Since I am by myself most of the time now and yes its mostly by choice, it can be harder to want to do things. Like wearing a real outfit or going to get my nails and/or hair done. When it came to planning what I will bring on my trip I was like wait…I can’t wear leggings and hoodies the whole time like I do every day. I didn’t even have a pair of jeans to pack and I have since bought 4 new pairs. I don’t have any nice tops for going out at night, just cotton tee shirts. My ‘style’ lately is a constant state of comfort, which is necessary given my job. I can’t chase a toddler around in heels or tight pants. I can’t make questionable kitchen experiments in a silk top or fine cashmere sweater. I am happy in my current look but I don’t feel beautiful lately, at all. So in that sense, my confidence is not as high as I originally said.

In other ways, I feel confident in being by myself and making choices that benefit me. I feel strong in the way that I am figuring out day by day exactly who I am and what I like. There are some people out there that I am sure are calling me selfish, but this is basically the only time I can be. One day soon I will have a husband and kids to worry about and will be praying for tis me time back.  What I have noticed though is that because I am so passionate about being alone, I have pushed away almost every friend or love prospect I have ever had.

When I was leaving sorority, I was so eager to get home and be with my home friends. I had in my head that they were my TRUE friends and that I will be so much happier once I was with them. And I was, but once summer ended and everyone dispersed, I didn’t have a place anymore. I haven’t really felt like I had a place in a long time, and it makes me think that I still haven’t even found it.

In this lull, I feel excited for my trip. I hope that meeting new people and seeing new things will excite me and bring me back to life. I also really hope that the people I meet on the trip become true friends and help me begin to create my adult life.

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